It is Saturday and Mike is going about putting his house in order. Steph is coming over for the first time, and he really likes her. They met at a supermarket where he had unwittingly stepped on her toes. His profuse apology had led to an exchange of phone numbers, and a few weeks of dates and conversations later, it had metamorphosed into a serious relationship. They had had a series of conversations about sex and he’d discovered that Steph led a very active sex life and was experienced.
So, as Mike gets set, he is worried that he may be a sexual disappointment. Mike doesn’t discuss his concerns with any of his friends for fear of being made fun of or thought of as “not man enough,” but he has a lot of questions. What if she finds his penis too small? What if he ejaculates too early? Or he’s unable to find her erogenous zones and cannot satisfy her? What if she finds his body unappealing? These worries gnaw away at Mike’s heart and he considers calling Steph up to reschedule.
What’s happening?
Mike is having sexual performance anxiety, and strangely, this is the lot of a good number of men, especially when having sex with a partner for the first time. Sexual performance anxiety is a feeling of nervousness and self-doubt that results from an individual’s negative thoughts and perceptions about themselves, their attributes, and their abilities in relation to attractiveness, sexual roles and virility. And it can happen before or during sex. Sexual performance anxiety has ruined quite a number of relationships, because most times and ironically so, the men are able to perform, but are unable to do so because anxiety gets the better of them.
What does it do?
Sexual performance anxiety can take you out of the mood for sex, affecting arousal, motivation, and action. It can cause erectile dysfunction, premature/delayed ejaculation, disinterest in sex, etc. Some people have been known to be unable to get an erection at all, and not all of them get the chance for a second first impression. Medically, sexual performance anxiety, like all performance anxiety, is associated with the body’s release of stress hormones like epinephrine and norepinephrine that affect the body in varying ways, including constricting blood vessels, and when blood doesn’t flow to the penis, there’s difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection. These hormones also make it difficult to relax and enjoy sex.
What to do?
- Change your mindset: Most cases of sexual performance anxiety emanate from seeing sex as a performance, a show that a spectator has to evaluate and pass judgement on, and it is this performance mindset that births the critical self-appraisal, and the crippling self-doubt and worry that follow. Unless you’re specifically paid to perform sexual acts, you shouldn’t see sex as a performance and adjusting your mindset away from the performance, both before and during the act, will do you a world of good. Sex, really, is a mutual exploration of sensuality to discover all the things and all the places that bring on pleasure, and there are so many ways to do that. Always remember this.
- Talk to someone: Most cases of sexual performance anxiety are imaginary and talking to someone about it will elicit the reassurance that will drive it away. You could talk to a trusted and knowledgeable friend, a professional therapist (who can diagnose and treat the condition), or your sexual partner. Having someone tell you how you’re overthinking things or worrying about things you shouldn’t really worry about, could be all that you need to regain your confidence. Sometimes, they don’t even need to say anything. Merely airing your fears could do the magic.
- See a physician: Sometimes, sexual performance anxiety arises as a result of an actual problem like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, the side effect of medication or drug abuse. Now, sexual performance anxiety could lead to the aforementioned, while the aforementioned could also result in sexual anxiety performance, or worsen it. In cases where the problems existed before the anxiety, the best option is to consult a physician to treat the underlying medical conditions. The best indicator of the need for medical attention is if the aforementioned problems happen when engaging in sexual activities with someone else, but not when being sexual with yourself.
- Coping mechanisms: Mindful meditation and yoga have also been found useful in treating sexual performance anxiety. Mindful meditation and yoga involve getting into a relaxed state and learning to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, gain awareness of self, and control the body and mind.
Sexual performance anxiety can be very challenging. It could affect your life by negatively impacting social and romantic relationships. But it is a condition that can easily be overcome, Mike eventually came to know. And in no time, you’ll go back to being the sensual, thoughtful lover that you really are. Just like Mike.
This article was written by Emeka Uzor for Moda Culture April – June 2022 digital magazine where it was originally published. Emeka Uzor is an Optometrist, a Lecturer and a Farmer. He believes misinformation is more dangerous than outright ignorance and spends his spare time writing to better inform, educate, uplift and entertain.
